OK, OK, OK, OK, OK
I admit it.

By the time I reached the hallowed halls of MegaFoods
on that fateful morning at 9:26 in the a.m.

I was burnt-out,
played out,
phased out,
and just generally all out of patience,
when at the electric-eye opening to shopper's hell
there stood this withered old bag of a woman;
you know the species I'm speaking of;
the type that votes against every educational bill put in front of her wrinkled, bi-speckled visage.

And she was wearing a garment that made it look like the 70s had just puked all over her in polyester and rayon
and she was handing out little baskets of banal bliss
samples of Oscar Meyer Cheese Dogs
and coupons for 2-liter bottles of Pepsi
to everyone,
but me.

You see,
she was looking past me like I didn't exist,
like I was some badly made apparition
in a 1950s B-Grade horror flick.

Now I admit it,

I freely admit it,
that I am not one of People Magazine's
top 50 sexiest males alive cover material,

but I'm not Quasimodo either

except on exceptionally average moments,
and when I realized I was going to be denied my sample of Oscar Meyer Cheese Dogs,
which I am now convinced,
would have made my existence on this little blue rock
a completely,
completely worthwhile endeavor.
I sauntered down to aisle 7
where the BIC disposable razors are heaped in a mound;
with all the other self-help, health care things;
and I halfway considered dumping BICs out of their bags
and slashing my wrists
in Warholian performance melodrama
just so the blame would all be on you,
you old bag.

Just so I could beat you to heaven
and become drinking buddies with the big man,
become St. Peter's heavenly apprentice of admissions
just so that by the time you sat your judgmental old ass down in the pearly gates waiting room,
I'd be there to stare past you,
like you didn't even exist,
just so you could be heaven's first transient,

And when I finally decided to give you a key,
I'd make sure it was to Cloud 65A,
right near the male angels' restroom
just so you'd have to see male angels squatting for eternity,
all the time knowing
you could have avoided this fate

with a simple smile
and a cheese dog.

Copyright EPB, 1995

Invisible
people
strike
back!