Dear John...

We are happy for you and looking forward to the video of your April wedding. One of your distant cousins, a beautiful young woman with whom you share DNA, is contemplating marriage. Last week she asked "How do you stay married for 50 years?" My flippant remark was "Don't get divorced" for which I apologize.

Her question made me think. Marylyn is once again experiencing serious health issues and I am her full-time care-giver. We met in 1967 and married in 1969. I rember vows including "In sickness and health till death do us part" and I have always been serious about promises.

Our Priest's sermon last Sunday was about this very topic. In general the mantra Episcopalians (English Catholics) preach is "Be nice to everyone, never carry a grudge and speak only to build up." Carrying a grudge makes things worse, not better and better is good. To me this mantra is what makes Christianity powerful.

This morning our Priest asked us to think about "What stories do you tell yourself about why you married your husband or wife?

Personally for me in 1967 it was the fun of long intellectual conversations drinking tea while listening to free poetry and music. Deployed in the United States Navy from 1963 to 1967 I just followed orders and knew nothing about the Vietnam war, protests, the Peace Corp, Jim Morrison and The Doors and the Sexual Revolution. Marylyn was the smartest person in the room. Marylyn said what is different, about heterosexual me, is I am the most nurturing male she ever knew.

Easy access to sexual intercourse, by itself, is not reason enough to marry, because that eventually becomes irrelevant. When first married we only had a small single day bed which was fine for obvious reasons. After children arrive childcare is a full-time first priority. Valentine Day 2005, after days leading up to what was to be a romantic happy-ending, Marylyn said I was physically hurting her. We have been minding our own business ever since. Shared stories need to be multi-faceted and mutually satisfying.

Marylyn made it possible for me to have a successful career that provided enough income to live well. She managed the detail oriented administrative tasks of money management and child care so I could run wild evenings creating and leading professional associations, being a Scoutmaster, being a Church Youth Group leader and such. She was the wind beneath my wings.

What stories do you tell yourself about your partner? Are they about wisdom, looks, income, manners or something else? It needs to be something important.

What stories does your partner tell them self about you? Physical beauty matures? Is it ability to organize and manage a business, a household or is it something else like positive joyful presence? I think Marylyn will talk about mutual loyalty.

Motherhood is life altering. Single parenthood is possible but extremely hard. Lots of serious questions need answers before arrival of children. (There was no birth control when we were your age)

I suspect a large part of staying married 50 years is about two people continually telling themselves deeply personal intertwined stories as to why staying together is a blessing even though their partner can be really annoying. Marylyn is introverted and detail oriented; I'm extraverted and big picture oriented which can create heated debate but is actually complimentary.

On the other hand take my advice with a grain of salt. Great-Grandmother Sue and I grew up walking a mile and half to one-room country schools. You drive 75mph in an air-conditioned car real time listening to what's going on with family, community and the world.

A blessing to you and your partner as you contemplate living "till death do us part". You are at the beginning of the journey; we are near the end. Our marriage is as good as life can be.

Sincerely, Grandpa John