5 - Assertiveness: Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and

feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognizes our rights whilst still respecting the rights of
others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming
other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where
conflict exists.

Assertive communication is the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the
rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your own rights, needs and personal boundaries.

Understanding assertiveness and learning how to effectively communicate in both personal and business
relationships is a skill that creates positive impact on others as well as yourself. Assertive communication
creates opportunities for open discussion with a variety of opinions, needs and choices to be respectfully
heard and considered in order to achieve a win-win solution to problems rather than selfishly
(aggressively) demanding to "get my own way".

Assertiveness...

• Improves interpersonal relationships.
• Reduces conflicts/anxiety.
  Enhances self esteem.
• Retrains self respect.
  Minimizes stress.
• Treats others respectfully.
• Reduces feelings of helplessness/depression.
• Gives a sense of control.

Assertiveness attains the above because it...

• Helps us feel good about ourselves and others.
• Leads to the development of mutual respect with others.
• Increases our self-esteem.
• Helps us achieve our goals.
• Minimizes hurting and alienating other people.
• Reduces anxiety.
• Protects us from being taken advantage of by others.
• Enables us to make decisions and free choices in life.
• Enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts,
  both positive and negative

There are six assertive techniques - let's look at each of them in turn.

Behavior Rehearsal: which is literally practicing how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful
technique when you first want to use "I" statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an
experience and allows you to accurately identify the behavior you wish to confront.

Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record'): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring
manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To
most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue.
You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with
others. Examples include:

"I would like to show you some of our products"
"No thank you, I'm not interested"
"I really have a great range to offer you"
"That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment"
"Is there someone else here who would be interested?"
"I don't want any of these products"
"Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?"
"Yes, I will take a brochure"
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"

Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive,
and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that
there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this
could be, "I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions."

Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about you in close relationships by prompting the
expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for
critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or
ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, "So you think/believe
that I am not interested?"

Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or
personality without feeling defensive or anxious; this also reduces your critics' hostility. You should accept
your errors or faults, but not apologize. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism
of your negative qualities. An example would be, "Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to
what you have to say."

Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable
compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise
affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth
and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, "I
understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about
meeting in half an hour?"

In Conclusion: Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. Its application is contextual and it's not
appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be
perceived as an act of aggression by others.

There's also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.
"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their
goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" W.W. Ziege

 Communication Standards

1. Openness, accessibility . . . availability and willingness to respond.
2. Truthfulness . . . unconditional honesty is the only policy.
3. Responsiveness . . . recognition that any constituent concern is by definition legitimate
and must be addressed.
4. No secrets . . . our behavior, our attitudes, our plans, even our strategic discussions must
be unchallengeable, unassailable, and positive.

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